“Just quit already” my thoughts warn me as I charter into unfamiliar territories. For years I was convinced stability within my life was unattainable (quitting school, job hopping, unstable relationships, unexpected depressive episodes), and all good things must come to an end. My emotions were looping around like a roller coaster. I would have stable months and throughout those periods I was on my A game- working, socializing, working out, providing for myself. And then, out of no where came , the impending doom. The thoughts appear to be harmless as first -“this feeling can’t last for ever, it well end soon”. It sounds silly to think a thought has so much power, but when you can’t control them, they overtake you. And they did.

My therapist explained to me, that because of my chaotic home life throughout my childhood, Chaos became the norm. It’s almost as if I got used to the feeling of instability, although most of the events taken place during those periods were out of my control. In other words, Chaos brings me comfort….silly, I know. So most of the ” impending doom “periods came from self sabotaging behaviors like quitting work, starting fights with family/friends, self harm etc. To make things simple, in order to recover from BPD I must break up with Chaos.

So How Do I Control These Thoughts?

When I have these thoughts, I understand that they are only thoughts and do not own me. I do not ignore them, but I do acknowledge that they do not serve me and the future I’m creating for myself. If I they become stronger, I have game plan. Well this game plan being my self care routine: meditation till I can sooth my thoughts, taking a nap, holding something cold (grounding technique), journaling, talking to a friend/family member, running, playing with my dogs etc. By incorporating these practices into my life, the thoughts become smaller and smaller, and I’m consistently challenge them everyday. If i’m being honest, it’s really fucking hard, but I can’t wait to see what this new chapter brings.
Although recovery, is going to be filled with obstacles, I know that every ounce of me is ready to fight what comes my way. Proud to say, that I am finally ready to say goodbye to my old friend, Chaos.

During the last week of high school, my English teacher passed around a prompt for our last journal entry: “what do you want to accomplishments within the next 4 years”. My list included: graduate from college with a Bachelors degree in Elementrary Education, begin to pursue a career in teaching, join a sorority, move to California with my high school boyfriend, plan our wedding, get a pug, own my dream wardrobe and begin teaching at a nearby school. At the time, being able to check of all of these goals would mean that I had “I made it” and was on the right track to success. My 17 year old self would be traunatized to find ou tthat none of these goals would be checked off by her 21st birthday.
Here is the reality of what took place: Dropped out of college my first year, got dumped over the phone during the first week of classes, worked as a waitress fulltime at a golfing range for about 2 years, and last minute decided moved to Miami to “find myself”(I only lasted 3 months before moving back home). Part 1 of growing up: life doesn’t always go to plan, and that’s okay..seriously…not the end of the world.

Part 2: Success has many different meanings:
So to all of my relatives who are wondering why I left University abruptly, here it is: it didn’t make me happy. As most college droputs like to say “it just wasnt for me”. In high school I worked day and night to get into my dream university (which didn’t happen..can you spell R-E-J-E-C-T-E-D) and so I could finally get away from my small town, make new friends, and find my passions. I invisioned college to be the time of awakening for myself, the best 4 years of my life as former alumni put it. I would come out a new woman. My bucketlist of “must-dos for college were as follows: join clubs/sorority, meet other students in class, finally go to parties, all in hopes that I would find myself. Entering my first year, I had extremely high hopes. Long story, I was able to check off my bucketlist by the end of my first year, but as sophomore year approached, a sinking feeling came over me: none of this made me happy. But coming home for the holidays I would be told by family members that I was on the right track for success and I was doing so well. Although, It never felt like “my life, always an imposter. I got good grades, took classes I enjoyed (except for stastics..), was in a sorority with my best friends, but for reasons I could not explain at the time, I was miserable. I felt like a robot programed to do what is “right”, which in societies eyes, is graduate college. The fear was engrained in me: “if you leave school, you will be nothing and you’ll have no chance of a good life”. As silly as it sounds, the bravest thing I’ve done thus far in life, is putting school on hold to focus on my mental health and begin prioritizing my OWN happiness. “The opportunity to recieve a degree is not going anywhere”, a mantra I repeat to myself, over and over again,when I begin comparing my life to Suzy who was on the Deans list all 4 years and just got accepted to Dental school at Hardvard(happy for Suzy though, no hard feelings).
Since leaving school, I still have no idea what the hell with my life, but I’ve come to the conclusion that this feeling with be never ending. Unfortunately, there will not be a morning when I wake up to finally have it “all figured out”. I assumed that without professors and lectures ,learning just stops. Which i’ve come to find utterly untrue, the “real world” has taught me more then any classroom would ever. These are some of the few things I’ve discovered beyond the classroom: my love for reading/writing (which I found to be shocking, because I hated writng/reading assignments), discovering I do indeed have an artistic side(filming, drawing, poetry, blogging etc), how to manage my stress/anxiety, how to file taxes, customer service skills, improving communication within perfessional/interpersonal relationships, time management, protecting my mental health admist a busy schedule etc.
Unfortunetly it took me $20,000 of student debt, to push myself to take “me time”. As I have a love for learning , I have plans to return back to higher educations, but what’s the rush?
Take a deep breath,
Ari

“Today will be good” I repeat to myself

Trying harder then I did yesterday

Yet there is zero progress

A long list of untouched to do list 

I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror

She lies to me, telling me everyone around me has forgotten about me

And eventually abandon me

I want to make her disappear 

She isn’t me

An imposter

I’ll get me back soon

I’m sorry

I do care

I’ll do better

I haven’t posted in 6 months 

I’m sorry

I reconnected with an old friend the other day, unexpectedly at a local cafe. Well my ex best friend. Her name is Ana. Her presence used to bring me comfort, like a cozy blanket on a cold night, but Ana ( Ana being my Anorexia) brought me no warmth she only left lasting damage. Ana was my best friend for so many years, but she served no purpose in my future. I had to let her go. Life after being chained to her destructive lifestyle that I once held so dearly to me, is absolutely freeing. I feel born again, finally having opened my eyes for the very first time. Life without her, is too precious to give up. So I keep her as far away as possible. Whenever she makes an unwanted appearance which she does, very rarely, I’ve found rebuttals to challenge her notions that once seemed unquestionable.. For example:

Ana just the other day:You can’t afford to have that many carbs. Carbs make you fat. That bagel has 75 grams of Carbs. Put the bagel down. If you eat the bagel you have to run it off.

Me: Fuck you, I love bagels especially with a nice lather of cream cheese and I’m going to spend the rest of my morning with my family , not worrying about calories/macros.

Although my eating disorder voice (Ana) peeps into my ear whispering her brain washing lies, I’ve used reasoning to shut her up just like a child would with a school bully. That’s exactly what the voice was, a bully who seemed much bigger then me, come to find out her evil stemmed from insecurity and loneliness . She was an abusive ex who took away my smile, convinced me to isolate myself from the family because they were trying to take her away, and she convinced me without her I would be nothing. I protected her for so many years, destroying friendships if individuals stood in between her and I. For 4 consecutive years it was just her and I. She grew stronger,while I grew weaker. Her red flags were not apparent immediately, as she masked it with comfort during my weakest hours, but in the end she left me broken.

To think that 4 years of my life was wasted obsessively addicted to a number on a scale, as I weighed myself 3-7 times a day, brings tears to my eyes. The number controlled the outcome of my emotional state and level of confidence throughout my days. Having escaped from Ana’s toxicity, I’m angered that I was tricked into believing that my rib cage and thigh gap were of importance to living a meaningful life. For 4 year I had no identity, Ana was my identity. She always pushed my needs to the side, only caring of how little I could eat without passing out. My smile is now radiantly beaming by those around me, After our break up I’m constantly informed by my peers of how happy I look, as my smile is now radiant and most importantly, genuine. My new found happiness isn’t superficially fake, but now is stemmed from watching the sunrise at 5 am, cooking up a new recipe, going to art museums, traveling, being outdoors (etc). I smile because now that Ana is gone, I can finally live life on my terms. Take it from me, a pretty face and small waist is not what makes a person extraordinary. So goodbye Ana. Thank you for the struggle you brought upon me, without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.

Love,

Ari

With New Years having passed, the inevitable “new years resolution” of maintaining my fitness routine was in full session. I’m not going to lie, I may have (no, I definitely did) fall down the “I’m too busy to go to the gym because of the holidays” rabbit hole. Then the holidays passed so one excuse led to another, and just like “magic” my ass was out of shape. Like can’t make it 5 minutes on the treadmill without gasping for air. After my downfall, post holiday season I began to find my usual gym routine I followed during the summer to be impossible to follow, so in other words I my excuses and in-productivity had finally caught up to me. One missed gym session led to another. Do you see a pattern? : one excuse led to another, in turn one bad habit created a habitual routine filled with a day full of bad habits. The months to come, consisted of “I’ll do it later” or “I’ll do it tomorrow”. My list became so extensive to the point of needing a new self planner (that one you got from target but don’t actually use) , nothing got checked off and I was fed up with this person I had become. No, I’m not hear to tell you I woke up one day and decided to change my ways because of ted talk I watched the night before.

Just like my put off gym routine, my inability to complete things on time towered over me, problems on top of problem, it felt unmanageable. So I did what any person would do. No, not dealing with my issues…. I read a ton of self help books. Like 6 to be exact. So here’s what I learned and incorporated in to my life, thus becoming a productive lady and total bad ass ready for any obstacle to face my way.

Your Morning Reflects the Outcome of Your Day: Do you remember the book “Alexander and the Terrible Horrible, No Good Very Day”. Well if you haven’t read it, here’s a synopsis: basically this kid had a pretty shitty day, starting with getting gum stuck in his hair leading to one bad thing after another. His pessimistic attitude which began in the morning led to a catastrophic day. From this children’s book we once held near and dear to our hearts, we learn that our negative attitude only attracts bad energies. So it only makes sense that if we wake up with a positive attitude then it will reflect the outcome of our day. But the truth is life sucks sometimes and it is nearly impossible to wake up with a smile on our faces every morning but having a morning routine helps to set the stage for better prioritizing, more effective time-management, and greater productivity. The most successful individuals, including Barack Obama, have a solid routine they strictly follow every time they wake up. Our former president wakes up at 7 am and releases the stresses of running our nation at the gym, with a cardio or strength training session. Next comes nutritious breakfast (fun fact: his go to breakfast is a slice of whole toast, bacon, and eggs… I know not that exciting) with a newspaper in hand. Making sure to only spend minimal efforts on time wasters such as clothing choices and entertainment (social media, Television). So make your morning productive! With my all or nothing mentality, I decided to challenge myself by waking up at 4 am everyday for 30 days. In turn led to, me falling in love with early mornings . The time spent with my father (before he is off to work) at the crack of dawn over coffee before my gym sessions are irreplaceable. Following father/daughter time, I’m off to the gym. After a nice sweat session, I’m back at home to walk my dog and get ready for work, oh ya and I eat …duh. I’ve been following this routine for months and to some reading this might seem rather excessive. But by vitalizing my time, even if that means waking up a couple hours earlier, I aid my mornings to be more productive thus setting the tone for the rest of the day. Since beginning, I’ve actually begun to look forward to this part in my day. Start waking up with purpose: try incorporating at least one thing you want to add your morning routine and continue to build onto the list.

A Clean Workspace is A Clean Mind

My dad is a huge supporter of my new cleaning habits ! I am the Danny Tanner of my household. Whether it’s spiffing up my room or washing the stack of dishes from the night before, I simply can not function in a messy environment. My brain suddenly becomes as scattered as the mess in front of me. I’ve found keeping my workspace/home organized to be highly effective thus putting me in a better mood due to time saved from misplaced items. Everything has a place and purpose in my room. If it doesn’t, I throw it away or donate it. Starting by taking 5 minutes out of your day is feasible, so try it out. Start small, so start with the load of laundry you said you’d do yesterday, but never “got to”.

You Are, What You Eat

Before you freak out, I’m not telling you don’t eat the cupcake at Sally’s birthday party, just be mindful. Eat with purpose. I get it your just so busy, but this is your body and health we’re talking about! Your body is a temple so start respecting it as though it is the freaking Taj Majol (or whatever your temple of preference is) . The most common excuse I hear is eating whole foods is just too expensive which statically is true (only by a $1.24). But by prioritizing your health, you’ll be spending less money on medical supplies/costs from diseases that could have been otherwise prevented by a healthy diet. So pick your poison, the McDonald’s drive thru to save just $1.25 or a longer life:) No, I’m not talking about a fad diet (cough cough Keto.. or only eat salads diet to lose 20 lbs before bikini season), simply incorporate REAL nourishing foods to improve a variety of aspects within your life: overall health, cognitive focus, increase in confidence, decrease susceptibility to preventable diseases. No excuses, your life in valuable. Don’t take good health for granite when you have so many accessible sources laying at your fingertips.

STOP COMPLAINING

We all have that one friend, we’ll name her Nancy, who constantly nags about her “oh so terrible life” and no matter what you say to Nancy you can’t seem to cheer her up. She bickers about her boss, coworkers, boring sex life, lack of friends, her dad who doesn’t get her. So by the time you leave the conversation with Nancy, you are drained. Lesson to take away: Don’t be a Nancy, no one likes a Nancy. Every once in a while we are faced with bad day, but learn to minimize your complaining (be mindful). If your complaints stem from an a fixable issues maybe …hmmm solve your problem (less complaining, more doing) or share these issues with a professional (like a therapist) to figure out where to begin with your long list of problems. Sometimes we need help, even if some of us are too stuborn to admit. Train yourself to be less judgemental, we often pass judgments about the smallest of inconveniences imposed on our lives caused by others, which in turn ruins the outcome of our day. Put yourself in the shoes of others before acting, because just like you, other individuals have off days. It’ll save you a lot of time and conserve your energy to much more productive issues. Next time you hear your friends, coworkers, or family having a “complain fest” either speak up to change the subject to something more optimistic or stay quiet and don’t contribute to the complaining.

The Lead up: “You okay, you’re awfully quiet today”, my coworker pointed out with a voice of concern. It was the day after my best friend left for college, so my my absence of emotions on this particular day seemed to be excusable. “Oh ya I just had an early morning”, I lied. “I’ll be better by tomorrow” I convinced through an inner self pep talk, “I just needed to follow my regular routine, duh. Just go for a run tomorrow, keep eating your veggies, take a warm bath with your new bath bomb, spend some time with dad, you’ll be good in no time”. Everyone had off days, right? But this “off day” turned into DAYS, then WEEKS, then MONTHS.

Disassociation with Self- Turning into “Her”: Staring into the reflection of the mirror stared back a girl who presumed to be unfamiliar. The perfect persona (straight A student, perfect daughter, and perfect employee) I once claimed was no longer a part of my identity. Fuck! She slept through the alarm again, and late for work. Another morning workout missed too! “Suck it up and get over your emotions. Your acting weak, your not weak! Be more positive, just think positive thoughts!”, the old Ariana contrived to push this Her in the right direction, but Ariana’s efforts were not enough. Everyday left Her overwhelmed in the search for “the point”- unhappy with Her job and a never ending ridiculous amount of debts to pay off. Goals felt more out of reach as the days progressed. The family “fuck up” was Her new self identity- disappointing everyone , but most especially unsatisfied with self deprecating habits. Uneasiness of being the typical college dropout who never reached their full potential, kept Her up every night. Making extensive “to-do” lists in Her head in order to get back on track (and crying into Her pillow) was rather typical in this new girl’s routine. “Okay here we go, tomorrow I am a new person! Only positive thoughts” She’d verbalized before bedtime. But no matter the amount of urgency She attested, She failed to the constant bickering of her inner voice that reminded Her of past mistakes and fear for the future’s unpredictability.

( Also here’s a look at what my mental To-Do list consisted of : “Do I get a new job tomorrow, what if I hate it, what if I can’t save up for Fall semester before the dead line, what do I even want to do with my life, am I going to earn enough money in this career, why was dad so stand off-ish at dinner tonight, will dad be proud if I decide I don’t wan tot go to school, do I even like school, I need to be nicer to Javier, maybe reach out to Kevin, god, Dad probably thinks I’m such a loser now that I’m not in school, I wonder what my ex is doing, I feel lonely tonight, I miss my friends, I need to lose 20 lbs, wait, why hasn’t that guy texted back, you need to get back to working out, also make a therapy appointment in the morning, should I start taking medication, are my friends from school still my friends…oh shit it’s already 3 am”. )

Accepting Defeat: And just like that Life had won and Ariana was left Numb. Any emotion was better then the feeling of numbness-sad,happy angry- but numbness is all that filled Her. At this point, Her problems rolled themselves into a heavy ball and decided to latch themselves on Her back. The ball served no purpose, it only weighed her down, making everyday tasks exhausting. As part of Her regular morning routine, She dragged Herself our of bed due to Her moral obligation to go to work, not because She wanted to get out of bed. Through out Her day, She drowned and sunk in her own thoughts of self pity and would zone out when in conversation even forgetting to smile( because that’s what people do, show emotion). “She” missed Ariana: cheery and excited about life, loved making people laugh, earliest to wake up, close to perfect, but, Ariana morphed into this emotionless zombie . She hid behind baggy clothes and ball caps ashamed of Her own skin, crying in the mirror. One day She decided to turn her full length mirror around so it faced the wall, She could not face the reality of this new identity.

I Can Do It On My Own Phase: After a couple of months of Therapy sessions, She was suggested make an appointment with a psychologist (but still continue my therapy sessions). oh, Great! Absolutely not, She told her therapist. Priding Herself in doing everything naturally. She will not become someone who needs to take her happy pills every morning just to feel functional, She’s better then that. The old Ariana would never take the easy way out, She just needed to push through, but her holistic ways were not aiding Her out of my dark hole. It was like She was crippled walking up a steep hill and just before She could reach the top someone popped around the corner to knock Her down. Ouch. And boy, She fell hard. Back into the dark hole She’d go.

Fine.

She’d take the pills (Why was She so stubborn.. )

In no way shape or form was She thrilled, but before She didn’t go into the appointment blind. She’d done Her homework, and by homework She meant…Google Search. So here are a list of statements or questions She had well prepared for Her Psychologist and Her Psychologists rebuttals :

“Aren’t Antidepressants Addictive”- NO. Unlike sleeping pills and some anxiety medication, antidepressants do not an addictive chemical make up, but you should never suddenly stop a course of your medication without the supervision of a physician (especially if it is a higher dosage)

“I’ll be on medication for the rest of my life”- Once again not true, only a small percentage of people are put of this medication for long periods of time due to multiple relapses of major depressive episodes. A person should be treated with antidepressants at least one-and-a-half times as long as the duration of the depressive episode before they can begin to be taken off.

” Antidepressants have horrible side effects “- Many types of medications carry the risk of side effects, but with newer brands have relatively fewer side effects. With time, the side effects lessen and go away.

” Antidepressants will change my personality”- actually quite the opposite they are supposed to return you to your normal self and former personality, not create a different one.

It’s Getting Better Phase: After 4 months of being put on the right Brand/dosage,my prior statements were due to misleading from family/friend’s opinions and the media’s poor portrayal of medication for mental illnesses . Of course this is not a magic pill, I did my fair share of self improvement including: finding a new job, not listening to sad music, waking up earlier/ going to bed earlier, going on long walks, meditating, continuing my exercise regime, reaching out to old friends, making new one’s along the way, finding new hobbies (writing,reading,making music) , surrounding myself with positive individuals (which meant cutting toxic individuals), as for school (I’m still not sure, but that’s okay). This was a “push” into the path that drove me to return. I have no regrets in my decision. “She” is gone and Ariana is back:)

Love,

Ari

Being an introvert in a world full of loud, extroverts can be rather tough. We get a bad reputation, seriously. Naturally my father, who I would consider to be naturally extroverted, was worried of the time I spent in my room, but I never understood his concern. What was to worry? It’s not that I didn’t have friends or I never left my house ,I did. Throughout my high school career my time was taken up by many activities outside of my house including: Cross Country, Travel Soccer, Key Club, National Honors Society etc, so the down time I did have was rather limited. My dad’s concern had reached a peak one Saturday afternoon, so he knocked on my bedroom door, in that way Dad’s do, when they just “want to talk”. With a look of concern on his face, he sat on my bed and asked me “Are you depressed, spending this much time alone can’t be healthy?” Shocked by his question, I explained to him, that I found comfort in spending my weekends indoors, it was my time that I could separate myself from my hectic schedule by indulging in writing , reading, or listening to Taylor Swift on repeat. I felt like I could finally take a breathe when I found Even my teachers caught on to reserved ways and, just like my dad had done, they expressed their concern with my “introverted” tendencies. In kindergarten, my teacher scheduled a parent-teacher conference with my parents due to my lack of “participation”, meaning I did not care to raise my hand and chose to work alone rather then in groups. Again, I didn’t understand the great concern due to my grades being exceedingly above average. Just because my learning was best done in non-group setting did not signify that I was not processing the concepts being discussed. So what was the big deal?

Societal standards drilled in me at a young age, that being “quiet” was simply unacceptable. And at school, my educators constructed a correlation between “the best talker in class and a high success rate within your studies”. But how could this be when half of our world is made up of individuals just like me. Comments made by peers and family members contrived in me to feel guilty, shameful, or like I was the “odd duck” in a world that was made up of a population craving the need to be heard, I couldn’t conform… no matter how hard I attempted.

For years I pressured myself to step out of my comfort zone and take leadership positions/join clubs in which group work and public speaking was mandatory. Simply taking these roles in hopes of transforming myself into the outspoken, social butterfly those around me long for me to be(and of course to impress college admissions.) And truth be told, I hated every second of it. Shockingly, my efforts to push my introverted ways to the side were a complete failure,all of it didn’t feel natural. It just wasn’t who I was. A very considerable chunk of my life had been spent trying to turn into extrovert, coming up with rationalizations for why I am not, most definitely not, an introverted. Overtime I’ve accepted the fact that too much interaction sucks away my energy. In turn I need quiet spaces to recharge. This is why I’ve always turned to nature and solitary hobbies. As introverts, it’s easy for us to get alienated from our own nature because of the extrovert bias in the culture at large. So, how do we reconnect with and start celebrating ourselves? It starts with becoming self aware and owning your truth.

Below I share what I believe to be biggest misconceptions and misunderstandings about what it means to be an introvert:)

We Aren’t Rude– “You’re actually really cool. When I first met you, you didn’t say much, so I thought you were kind of a bitch.” Yes, someone (who I won’t reveal) had actually said this to my face. In hinds sight this person probably thought they were giving me a compliment, but the word the word “bitch” stuck with me. This wasn’t the first time someone accused me of being “rude” or “not approachable” because of my quietness. Quite frankly I just like to keep to myself, it takes me a while to warm up to new people, yet my reserved nature seems to always be misunderstood as “I’m too good to have a conversation with you”. Often times I just don’t have the energy to have 20 minute conversation about the weather. I find small talk to be a waste of time and deeper conversations about topics I’m passionate about to be much more engaging. So please understand that quiet does not equal mad, sad, or stuck up. Quiet does equal people-watching, observing, and enjoying life…..QUIETLY.

We Don’t want to Be Alone All the Time– Although I do value my alone time, I too am a person, and just like anyone I need human contact. The time I do spend socializing, is spent with those I have carefully hand picked, I tend to be selective with my choice of friends. In every friendship I value a deep connection, someone I feel safe venting to, and are comfortable with the occasional “awkward” silence. Every so often, I do require a few moments to decompress and regain energy that I extorted while socializing. For introverts, frequent contact is not of importance, but rather quality contact.

Stay true to you,

Ari

I had no idea what I was doing and did absolutely everything wrong when I began my Journey into the fitness world. Let me tell you, this was frustrating! Quitting because I wasn’t seeing results became the norm. It took me over a decade of diving into various forms of exercises to hinder a routine best suited for me. As I am no expert and continue to learn more of my bodies capabilities and limits, take my journey with a grain of salt- what works for me, may not work for you.

“All or Nothing”- As a pre-teen girl, I idolized celebrities like, Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez, both women having rather slender figures. Looking into the mirror at my body, I noticed it was the complete opposite of the stars I so envied. Naively, I believed that Glamorous = a slender figure so I set out to lose my “pudge” as I called it. Starting small, I began running laps around my neighborhood and would push past new personal records every week. On days where running did not seems as appealing, I’d type “workout videos to burn fat into the search bar of Youtube (my favorite channels were Blogilates and Fitness Blender). Unfortunately the only driving force of me working out was to lose weight. 20 lbs down, my body had finally reached a plateau. Every morning I’d step on the scale and nothing.. the number wouldn’t move.. for weeks. Fed up, I gave up. This obsession with reaching my ideal body standard drove me to continue this merry go round cycle of fad diets and vigorous exercising through out middle and high school. Strict routine led to overindulgence then to guilt. Week after week. Monday was always my favorite day, fresh start, time to start back on “egg whites for breakfast, green smoothie and chicken breast for dinner” grind. Yuck. If I missed a run in the morning or session at the gym (because I was too busy or woke up late), I would say screw it and bag an entire weeks worth of sessions. My all or nothing mentality was counter productive towards my physique goals. It was like losing a $1 from your wallet and deciding to throw it away in the garbage.. doesn’t make sense right?

“Cardio Queen”- As college approached, I told myself, “this is your year”. This new chapter in my life meant ditching my old self. My old self would have found every excuse in the book not to work out, but the new me made it the top of her “to-do” list. No matter the circumstance, lack of sleep, heavy workload, binge drinking the night before, my foot was in my University’s gym. No excuses. My fitness routine consisted of the form of exercise I was most familiar with, running. Effortless, one foot in front of the other. For the first time in my life, this new found routine helped me developed a sense of control of my body and mental health. Putting my head phones on and only focusing on the tempo that would compromise the soundtrack of my life and drain out the rest of the world around me. Any crippling anxieties I had were silenced once I pressed start on the treadmill. On top of my new sense of control, I was shedding weight which drove my self confidence through the roof. In high school, my classmates referred to me as the “shy girl” never really speaking up, but I let go of the fear of judgement and began to put myself out their by starting conversation with total strangers daily ( something I used to dread). At parties I wore whatever the fuck I wanted and I felt like a Bad Bitch (in the best way possible). Twirling and dancing around like no one was watching. I was Ariana 2.0. The girl I always dreamed of being. Oh and this new girl, glowed and radiated. Addicted to my new style, that progressed as I incorporated a fixed exercise schedule. It was in this time frame, that I came to the realization that my mental health could be healed by incorporating 3o minutes of exercise a day. Running was my drug. I needed to run, because on most days I needed to run away. I needed to run away from my crippling relationship. I ran away from the anxiety my classes gave me. I ran away from the troubles facing my household. I ran away from it all…putting on a soundtrack that could compromise the soundtrack of my life. Drowning out the rest of the world. I’d watch my own personal movie (replay scenarios in my head) in full. I’d repeat certain songs over and over again. Then in the blink of an eye, I’m back in my dorm. And suddenly everything is okay. My worries are gone.

” Lifting like a Girl”- As I was scrolling through my Discovery feed on Instagram, I came across a women’s page by the name of Whitney Simmons’, she appeared to have a rather toned body and if we’re being completely honest I clicked the blue follow button due to her trendy workout clothes that I found to be “totally cute”. To my surprise her workout regime did not consist of copious amount of cardio, she partook in strength training -everyday targeting a different body part (legs, arms, abs, back). What, you could train your back? Up until then, I had a preconceived notion that all women who consistently lifted heavy developed bodies similar to a man, “bulky” , but Whitney’s frame challenged my misinformed opinion. Throughout my fitness journey, I never once considered building up my upper body strength, but watching Simmons’ confident demeanor in the weight room while surrounded by “macho” men sparked my curiosity- I wanted to be a badass in the gym. Looking into the mirror at my frail frame, I knew I had a lot to learn. Here are three simple rules that I followed as I began lifting:

START IMMEDIATELY– Just like any goal, don’t wait for the “perfect time” to begin, put on your damn training shoes and walk yourself into that gym, SERIOUSLY. Don’t fall victim to “Paralysis over Analysis, a state in which an individual overthinks a situation ( in this case you making it to the gym)so that a decision is never taken, and as a result, “paralyzing” the outcome. Do your first workout today or tomorrow (AT the latest)! Failure is inevitable. With that in mind, you are probably not going to perform perfectly the first day, but like any new hobby, skill is developed within time and practice! Beathoven did not create “Moonlight Sonata” overnight, therefore you will not be a Olympian power lifter within your first session. So cut yourself some slack.

Progress is Gradual- At the beginning of this process, I followed Whitney’s tutorial videos religiously, putting most of my focus on perfecting my form ( in order to prevent injury). For the first couple months I was testing the waters, probably looking like a total fool to someone who let’s say had been weight lifting for years, but I said fuck it and kept at it. Practice makes perfect (cheesy ,but true). Forget the critiques, this is your journey so look straight ahead and focus on your accomplishments (big or small). Trust me you’ll get there.

Use Tools/Routines that Excite You – There is no exercise you must perform and there are no single piece of equipment you must use. Start where you are most comfortable and modify regimes to the level of your ability (but still push yourself, hard). You want to use a smith machine, do it. You want to use dumb bells, do it. If you only want to use machines, honey just do it. You can see where I’m going with this. Try new things and see what works best:) It’ll take trial and error. Just because a certain move works for your favorite fitness idol does not mean it is for you! I can not stress this enough. This is a lifestyle, in order to make it a routine, it must be to your liking.

After about a year of weight training, I have found great confidence in the gym and physical ability. I am my own “Whitney Simmons” and it feels pretty damn empowering. I wake up every morning eager to put on my favorite workout clothes saying “I get to work out today”, rather then “I have to workout today”. My regular lifting sessions are as essential as a cup of coffee in the morning, I just need it!! So find your motivation to get yourself moving. Remember Fitness is a journey, so take what you want and leave the rest behind- unleash your inner badass:)

This is open to every man that has left an imprint on my life, not a roast session to my exes (sorry if that’s what you were hoping). I solemnly believe that every relationship and most interactions leave us with a lesson learned- good or bad. So here’s what I’ve learned from the opposite sex within my 20 short years of life. Thank you, to all of you (those individuals featured in this list) for your contribution.

#1

Without knowing me, you swore to love me forever. A man like you, deserves to be recognized and in comparison to anyone on this list, you are most notable ( I really do mean that.) Whether it was taking me to soccer practice, dropping me off at the mall, painting my walls green because well.. I was over the hot pink, helping me set up my college dorm, or driving 4 hours to comfort me after my first heartbreak, like a superhero you would always come to my rescue. As a toddler I would wait at the door so that I could be the first one to greet you after your 14 hour work day and with your strong arms (and a smile on your face) you’d put me on your shoulders. Through my young eyes you were invincible, nothing could stand in your way. Unfortunately, as I got older I came to realize that you were not built like the super heroes in the comics, your human. And you were restless from working countless overnight shifts ,waking up 3 am and coming home at 5 pm, in order to provide for the family. On top of that you spent the money, you so graciously worked for on your children’s wants/needs: Paying for my travel soccer, my college tuition , club dues, textbooks, new shoes, and cell phone bills. Everything that you did was for us. You. Are. Selfless. Thank you endlessly for teaching me that love isn’t just a word we mutter before bedtime, it is sustained by action- a pattern of devotion in the things we do for one another every day. You were and still are my superman.

#2

You were my high school sweetheart and the first person I fell in love with(outside of my family). We were crazy, stupid in love – a feeling so so so intense and foreign to the both of us. Never spending a second apart, where there was you, there was me. The town where we fell in love is tattooed with memories – the record store with the big white door,buying the most outrageous graphics t-shirts at local thrift stores, using the last of our paycheck for the dollar menu, acting like tourists while visiting DC, and sometimes just laying in your bed at your mom’s old apartment. I knew you like the back of my hand: your dreams, darkest secrets (talking in your sleep lol), how you used to wheeze when you’d laugh, that dorky half smile you’d do, your love for jazz music and Tarantino films etc. (seriously the list goes on and on). You were a dreamer, a quality that I have incredible admiration for. Unfortunately, for most people, their dreams remain nothing more then that. Dreams. Their was this glimmer in your deep hazel eyes that appeared so vibrantly when you’d talk about the life you so courageously dared to make your reality. The judgement you faced from the non-believers made you persist (I’m sorry that I was one of those non-believers). After reading one of my pieces you encouraged me to pursue my passion in writing, I told you that it was simply a hobby, but you believed in me, more then I did myself (thank you, seriously.) When you called me beautiful it wasn’t artificial, you truly meant it. A beauty not based on just looks, but rather me as an individual. To you, I was a Beautiful person (inside and out). The endless infatuation and compliments you offered, were never enough to combat the inner war I had within myself. “You can’t love someone, until you love yourself”, a common saying that holds truth. My lack of confidence spiraled into jealousy and constant arguing thus ending our once innocent love affair. Although the heart break shattered me, the end of us was the beginning of my new chapter in my life- loving myself (something I should have practiced earlier on in our relationship .) So thank you endlessly, for the fond memories we created and for having faith in my abilities when I doubted myself. And for this you will always hold a special place in my heart. – A

#3

I definitely did not play a significant role in your life, as you did in mine. Our time was short- but your impact was long term. Your company made the feeling of numbness that followed me for around in previous months, come to a halt-time stood still when I was with you. This feeling was comforting. Much older then I was, you stroke me as wiser and more confident then any of the other boys I had ever encountered. When you spoke people listened (I listened), you were extremely outspoken. Which at times made me question what about me interested you. I guess I never felt like I was “your type”. Your whit and charm made me incessantly blush, like a little girl with a crush. Day after day, you reminded me that our time was temporary due the fact I was leaving and you were staying- secretly, I didn’t want our time to end. How could life be so unfair to take someone you just started to get to know, just like that. “Stop it, you can’t like him” I would remind myself when I found myself falling under this spell you had over me. But just like when you tell a child not to eat the cookie from the jar- my brain felt emotions I tried so eagerly resist. After months of my absence, I returned. Naively, I was under the impression that our affair would resume. But to my disbelief, you moved on, (which made sense), it was only natural for you to do so, right? To say that I was hurt, was an understatement. It had only been two months, was I that easy to forget? Maybe you realized I wasn’t your type and found someone else. So many sinerios played in my mind as to why you had lost interest in me in such a short time span. I wanted to ask you personally, but what would I say “Hey dude, why don’t you like me anymore?” Let’s call this next chapter of my life: Desperate Lunatic. If you didn’t like “boring ole Ariana” maybe you would find interest in an altered version of her, we’ll call her: “Ariana 2.0”. Months passed, I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror staring back at me, everything about this “new girl” possessed qualities/traits of someone I wasn’t. Fake. Her hair, her persona, and even her interests- all of it was fake. A failed attempt at winning someone over. The worst part was not losing you- it was losing me. As much as I desired you, trying to force someone to want me was like trying to fit into a pair of shoes that were seemingly too small. You weren’t necessarily a bad “pair of shoes”, for whatever reason, the relationship was simply not meant to be. So thank you, for unintentionally teaching me I shouldn’t have to convince, persuade, pressure, or entice someone to want to be with me. Someone that wants me, will go after me, period.

Love,

Ari