After school I would routinely look into my full length mirror and pinch the sides of my stomach to examine my “problem areas”. I was 10 years old when I began doing this. Growing up, I was the shortest kid (still am) so when I put on weight I was the subject to ridicule. Making friends didn’t come naturally to me, I was the “quiet kid” and the my classmates were ruthless. Most days I would come home crying due my lack of friends and eventually my self confidence was non existent. On top of the constant bullying, my home life was no better as my parents were in the mist of a divorce, a situation I had no control over. I took it upon myself to drop weight before entering middle school , 20 lbs to be exact. After reaching my goal weight, I asked myself, “Why stop at 20 lbs” , the attention after changing my appearance, felt validating and I became addicted to this new found feeling. I felt in control and the number on the scale fed my self esteem. As my household got more chaotic, my meals became smaller and my runs became longer, the weight dropped. It was like this magic formula I had compiled. Less food+ more exercise= weight loss and weight loss=happiness. I’ve tried every diet known to man ( Low Carb, Veganism, Keto, IIFYM (if it fits your macros). You name it, I’ve tried. And boy did I see results, but only for a short amount of time only to end up binging on “bad foods”. This constant yo-yo dieting went on from the age of 10-20. Yup, that’s right 10 years. Within this time frame, I fell into a deep hole that consisted of weighing myself, fad diets, fasting, binging, and self deprecation. I held myself back from many opportunities and occasions, in fear of how my body looked due to my with my appearance. Looking at a set of numbers every morning wasn’t helping me improve my performance at the gym, if anything I was deteriorating both physically and mentally. I was weak unable to lift due to my lack of muscle, my hair began to fall out, I chewed gum so I wouldn’t pass out at work, and my head was constantly pounding. No matter what the scale read back to me, I was unsatisfied. My lowest weight was 90 lbs this past Fall…that never ending voice (my inner bully) told me that if I didn’t get down to 80 lbs then I was weak, useless, and undesirable. It was clear that I had a problem. Every time my life felt out of control, I would use food to cope with my emotions. This lifestyle that I developed had robbed me of my happiness. I reached a breaking point. After 10 years of this emotional roller coaster, I decided to break up with my scale and dieting (but it wasn’t that easy).

I read every self help book there was known to man, pertaining to breaking bad habits and adapting a healthy relationship with food (I’ll leave a list of them below). Obsessively reading these books from front to back. Until one day I stumbled upon the concept of Intuitive Eating.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Intuitive eating, it’s not your typical diet- eat what you want, when you want (but most importantly with zero guilt). My therapist, suggested I try it out for a couple months during one of our sessions, after continuously telling her how my life was consumed by my obsession with food, it was exhausting. I felt helpless, like their was no way out. Her solution: “Never diet again.” “But I’ll eat too much and gain a lot of weight, I have no control around food ” I responded back as I sat their at only 90 lbs with a skeleton like body shape. “So what, you aren’t happy now, are you?” she said. I knew deep down that losing more weight wouldn’t make me happy. It never did. So here were the rules she gave me:

Intuitive Eating 101

1.) Reject the diet mentality– throw out diet books and unfollow social media pages that promote unhealthy standards

2.) Honor your hunger cues– If your brain is telling you to eat then eat. Simple, right? Make sure to keep your body adequately fed throughout the day. Once you reach a point of excessive hunger, eating consciously becomes very difficult.

3.)Make Peace with Food– Stop making food the enemy.FOOD IS FUEL! Never tell yourself you can’t have a particular food, it only leads to feeling deprived and often build cravings and then binging:(

4.)Challenge the Food Police– It’s the inner voices in your head that tell you it’s good to eat fewer calories and bad to have cookie. It’s a way of thinking that has been adapted after years of dieting, and make you feel guilty after indulging. Sometimes the Food Police can be friends or family who offer their say about what and how your eating. Chasing them away is essential.

5.)Respect your fullness– Of course it is important to eat when you are hungry,but it’s also just as important to understand when your full! Seriously, listen to you body! Pause in between meals to assess your state of “fullness”.

6.)Discover the Satisfaction Factor– Find pleasure in eating. What do you like to eat? What foods make you feel good? Once you bring pleasure back into eating you can truly feel satisfied after a meal and move on, rather then eating for other reasons such as weight loss.

7.) Learn to Honor your Feelings without using Food– Find ways to comfort yourself without using food. Restricting food intake/eating an excess of food is not a coping mechanism. It will not fix your feelings, it will only numb you temporarily. So take up a new hobby- writing, photography, dancing, going on a walk.

8.) Respect your body– Accept your genetic make up. It’s what makes you unique (cheesy, I know)! Don’t be so overly critical about your body shape, own it.

9.)Exercise– If your goal is to lose weight when you work out, it’s not a motivating factor in that moment of time. Shift your focus towards how you feel when you workout rather then how many calories you can burn during a session. Find an exercise regime that makes you excited (group classes, hiking, lifting, running, dancing, yoga etc.)

10.)Honor your Health– Although the overall goal is to “eat what you want”, still eat nutrient dense foods! Your body is a temple…so treat it like one:)

IT TOOK ME MONTHS to recover from my disordered thoughts!!! Half a year if we’re being exact. You might be asking yourself “well if you eat whatever you want, won’t you just eat donuts all day”. At the beginning of my journey into Intuitive eating, yes. The first month is what I like to call the “honeymoon phase”, I had bread every waking second. My stomach constantly bloated from all of the bagels and granola I went through. But one day, it was almost like magic, my body began to crave nutritious foods. Since I’m a very active person, my body could simply not run on pizza and ice cream ( although in my perfect world, it would). I slowly began to trust my hunger cues. Having a stack of pancakes for breakfast (guilt free of course) and a veggie wrap for lunch (because I wanted one, not because I was dieting), I felt unstoppable.

As for my exercise regime, it has sky rocketed since beginning this new practice. Through my journey, I found a passion for weight lifting. It taught me that my self worth wasn’t based on the number on scale, but on my strength. What truly matters is if I push my body passed its limits. After a lifting session, my brain’s serotonin feels as though it’s doing summer salts and cartwheels. I workout and eat health not to “lose 20 lbs before summer comes around”, but for the reason that it’s what I love to do and truly makes me happy. For once in my life I feel free 🙂

So do me a favor and break up with your diet:)

-Ari

List of book that helped me:

Today Matters by John Maxwell

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck- Mark Manson

You are a Badass- Jen Sincero

What Goes Down: The End of an Eating Disorder by Callie Bowld

Befriending Your Body by Ann Saffi Biasetti

Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen

Dear Isabel,

I’ll be the first to admit it, the past week..no month…okay if we’re being honest the past two years have not been a walk in the park. On certain days I’m not sure how you put up with it, the negative mindset, the crying, and oh yes, the complaining. The list is quite extensive. I can’t really point my finger on what went “wrong”, honestly I have a great life, unfortunately this unexplained feeling of loneliness (even when I’m in a room full of people” overwhelms my seemingly “great life” . This feeling is confusing. It’s hard to sort out on paper or even talk out, but you listen. You don’t push away. Even when I unknowingly isolate myself , you recognize this. You push closer.

“Push in closer” our third grade teacher directed me to do as their was too much empty space at the lunch table, our class was the largest so we had to squish together during lunch time. As I pushed in I found myself next to the new girl, you, duh . I won’t bore you with the story because you and I have heard it countless times. Basically we haven’t “pushed” apart since that day, metaphorically and physically. We were obsessed with each other. I could go on and on about the moments we’ve shared with one another. Sixth grade year when you and I got snowed into your old townhouse on Aberdeen Terrace (damn I miss that place) for two whole weeks. Best. Two. Weeks. Ever. Or when we forgot to film Mariana’s baptism because we forgot the camera in the truck. Ya, your mom was not very happy about that one. You held me close after my first heartbreak, telling me “I could do better”. You helped me rebuild and put together the broken pieces. Letting me sleepover your house because I couldn’t stand another night alone. You sat with me, empathized with me, and would always be there to remind me that this is only a phase… but most importantly you stuck with me during the worst year of my life and I love you endlessly for that. We were (and still are) Ariana and Isabel. You are my other half and have been for the past 13 years.

We both know that my problems could be much worse, but you never say that – you just love me for who I am. Whether I am the peppy/happy version or the broken (I need to ugly cry on your shoulder) version- you just love me. And that’s what makes you remarkable.

I didn’t realize how much I would miss you when you left which led me to value our friendship even more then I did before. You understand why I do what I do and never gave up on me when I would mistakes(and trust me their were a lot). Through our friendship I learned what my values are and who I want to become, I know a lot of who I am stemmed from you. Your constant drive (working 3 jobs to pay for school then finally getting accepted to your dream school), drove me to better myself. You make it look so damn effortless. You are my role model.

When you got the acceptance letter, I realized that our lives were taking us in two separate directions, hundreds of miles away from each other. A part of me was excited to see what was in store for both of our futures, the other half scared shitless. To not have you walk through my front door every morning for our daily walks to Starbucks or our nightly endeavors to Target, just cause.

It was hard-trust me. I cried like a baby when you left, but I found beauty in our new chapter of life. We were discovering new pieces of ourselves on separate parts of the country and when reunited we share our new discoveries. Some days are really hard- having urges to jump on the first flight to Idaho just to see you. But even on those bad days I remind myself that you and I are exactly where we need to be, even if we are separated from one another (for now haha). And I owe it to you, for helping me become the person you’ve always encouraged me to be.

So I can’t thank you enough for the countless Facetime calls and helping me when I doubt myself. I’ve told you a trillion times, but no one will EVER take your place in my life. I mean who could replace you, seriously. You will always hold a special part in my heart.

Counting down the days (less then a month),

Ari

Growing up I fell into the "overly emotional teenager" stereotype. You know the, "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME", slams the door kinda girl. Yup, that was me.  In and out of therapy,  isolation   from the world wasn't my most solid form of coping and my therapist suggested to "dig deep" find a positive alternative (instead of door slamming). My pursuit to find a rational coping mechanism faced many trial and error. Seriously, I took yoga classes, ran (which I still do), dancing classes, shopped (I don't recommend, especially if your goal is to save money). Long story short, writing was effortless, all it took was a pen and paper and within seconds my emotions could be organized into a beautiful masterpiece (or at least so I think). Within my 20 short years of life, I've come to accept how unpredictable life can be, taking lessons from my encounters and constantly growing from my mistakes (and trust me there were lot.. probably more to come). Mistakes and Lessons worth sharing. My life isn't always good, shocking, right? Sometimes life is bad or maybe sad. So within these posts I'll share with you my crazy, unpredictable life.

Love,

Ari